Probably one of the funniest stories as it truly showcases my special brand of crazy.

Let’s just say I was having a rough few years and was in the process of making some very tough decisions. The kind where you know what you have to do, but you refuse to accept it. Apparently, if you refuse to embrace what you need to do long enough, the Universe will forcefully push you in the direction you need to go. The Universe and I were at great odds during this period. We had lots of battles. I may have lost this one, but I proved my point that day. I will not go quietly.

So, I had this massive beautiful bright purple dwarf butterfly bush in my front yard. I planted it and nurtured it for years. It was huge. One year, a storm pulled it half out of the ground and laid it over. I got it back up right and anchored until its roots could reestablish (of course in total redneck style – I used ratchet straps). I babied this bush back to health.

My Poor Butterfly Bush

The following year. Another bad storm rolled in. I walked outside after the storm to check for damages to the house. The first thing I saw… yeah… my butterfly bush was again half out of the ground laying over. Only this time it was the opposite side.

Well, this did not go over well with me. The Universe wants a war, it will get one. I jumped on the car and raced to Lowe’s.

I was 60 shades of pissed off. and apparently anyone within a 2 mile radius could feel the anger radiating. Lowe’s was super busy. As I walked with “great purpose” (super long fast stride clearly indicating I am in a homicidal rage) to the power tools sections, the sea of people parted magically.

I get to the power tools (the very best section in any hardware store!) and pick out a shiny new sawzall. Then I pick up a pack of heavy duty fire and rescue demolition blades for the sawzall with an evil grin.

Once back to the house, I crank the music full blast. What was the choice of music… Cypress Hill.

Get the sawzall ready. I briefly notice that all my neighbors have vanished. Chuckled to myself realizing I was yet again terrorizing the very nice neighborhood.

So there I am – 41 yrs old, shorts and bikini top, cigarette, shiny new sawzall with the fire and rescue blade, and Cypress Hill. Hey, I said I was slightly off center… Ok, maybe slightly is a bit of an understatement.

I squat down working my way under the branches to the base. I’m in a not so comfortable or flattering position with the sawzall between my legs so that I can get to the base and I start cutting.

Sawzall – a pissed off violent crazy chic’s best friend…

At that moment my brain decides to take a little side trip and all I hear in my head is the line Steve Buscemi says in the movie Armageddon when he’s riding the nuclear warhead…“Relax Brother, I just wanted to feel the power between my leg.“

Well, now I cant keep a straight face to save my soul; anger vaporized. I was thankful for the cover of the butterfly bush so the neighbors really couldnt see me. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. (Not so easy to operate a sawzall in an awkward position while in tears for the record.)

This has now become funny as sin. I’m taking out my butterfly bush in a fit of violent rage. Well, now I’m just entertaining myself. I finish cutting down the whole thing down, dig out the rest of the roots, and bag it up. Many hours worth of bagging. After 5 or 6 hrs, my hands are blistered and re-blistered, I’m sore, and exhausted. Since it’s dark, I decide to finish bagging the rest the next day.

Not one neighbor pokes their head out. I’m pretty sure they had thought I was way off the deep end. I find it amusing that I seem to terrorize them.

The next day, I get home from work ready to finish cleaning up my mess. What do I see? One of my neighbors had mowed my grass. Well, I guess I ought to thank them and let them know I’m no longer swinging from the rafters.

Another came over to see if I needed help disposing of the carcass. Yeah, I had good neighbors even if I scared the hell out of them often. I miss them.

What’s really funny is how many people truly think I’m nuts. I’m an very logical person. When I saw the butterfly bush laying over, I knew it had to come out. Oh, I was pissed, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I coulda used the hacksaw and spent all day just cutting it manually. I coulda bought a chainsaw, but that’s not something I would use often. Oh, wait, I could use a sawzall and I’ve had a need for one of those on more than one occasion Therefore, a sawzall was the completely logical choice and would provide some entertaining harmless stress relief.