Devious? Me?

All Stories, Gal Pal

So… One of my dearest friends is “Gal Pal”, which at his request, is really “Gal Pal (and his dark passenger)”, but I’m too lazy to type all that… So, when I type “Gal Pal”, y’all can in say “and his dark passenger”. I, at the risk of his wrath, am going to share a text conversation, which leads to how the name Devious Muse came about.

Well, I have to share these in their true form, as the graphics are important too…

2013-11-04 23.58.58 2013-11-04 23.59.19

My response was “Evil Grin” which promptly lead me to being called devious and later sadistic.

A couple of days later, I asked my Gal Pal for ideas on blog names. Yeah, it was quiet entertaining to watch his random thoughts come across my phone… but one thing he said again was that I was devious… and it kinda stuck, because, well, ok, I’ll admit it, I am maybe a touch devious. Just a touch. Since I’ve often been told I am a Muse when others need to remove a writer’s block, it seemed fitting to go with the name Devious Muse. Or so I thought.

I Goggled Devious Muse and nothing of importance came up. So I went lock, stock, and barrel forward with my choice and bought the domain name, good software for editing and managing my blog, etc… After making my investment, I did a quick search, which somehow went to Yahoo instead of Google and saw this:

What??? Oh, seriously???? The first page of results… “Dominatrix – Goddess – Humiliartix – Sadist…” and I dont know whether to laugh or cry. Really, the Universe does love to mess with me. I try to behave, I really do…

And yet again, my Gal Pal is asking with a completely baffled look things like “How have you survived?” I dont know.

Pardon my sappiness for a minute, but since this is the first post in my blog…. I felt it was important that it be about a person who is an incredible friend, who I love dearly, and I have been lucky to have him grace my life with his presence. Someone who has been very supportive of my writing and, most importantly, the crazy mess that is me. One of those very rare genuine people that understands the true meaning of friendship, and for that, Gal Pal, I thank you for and love you for. That past year of my life has been amazing and full of changes, and you’ve been a big positive influence to my direction. How we havent killed each other is beyond me, and I’m sure at some point we will still come to blows in a parking lot, but I think that is what will keep us as good friends.

Assulting A Kitten

All Stories

So… there I was… Holding this cute little fluffy grey kitten in the basement. All fuzzy and sweet and I was sprinkling salt on him. I was trying so hard not to get the salt in his delicate little kitten eyes, but he needed to be salted.

Now, this is the point, I have not doubt you are asking “WTF is wrong with her?” It was a dream, but really, salting a kitten??? Even I question my sanity at this point.

While trying to process this, I looked up the various meanings of the key items and actions of my dream and was still struggling with interpreting my crazy subconscious mess of a mind.

So I told my Mommy about the dream and she said (and this should tell you a lot):

“Are you sure you weren’t supposed to be Assaulting a Kitten instead of Salting a Kitten?”

I mean, we all know I’m dyslexic, so could my dreams be dyslexic too???? Now I’m gonna have to re-analyze all my previous dreams to see if my dyslexia was influencing them too…

Orgasmic Salmon – Poll Taken?

All Stories

So… I got an email from a friend tonight with the subject line of “Poll taken at Sweetwater?” referring to the Orgasmic Salmon – An Embarrassing Moment story and this picture was included.

I really really really really need to learn how to eat quietly. Way too many people have heard me enjoying my meals over the years…. 😦

But I cant help it. I enjoy my food.

Explaining the curling iron to security

Adventures Traveling, All Stories

So… If you ever want to have a bit of fun and dont mind a little slight embarrassment, take a curling iron through a security check point run by a man to visit a memorial…

So, in May I was in NYC on an overnight business trip. I had a few hours before we would catch the train back… Oh darn… lol. I opted to use that free time to go to the 9/11 memorial.

Since this had been an overnight trip, I’m carrying a tote of cloths and necessities with me and I’m still in my business suit and heels.

I get to the security check point and I’m not thinking anything I have on me would be an issue….

Well……..

My tote is xrayed… and the security guy is staring at the xray and then at me and then back to the xray and then back at me…

He asks me what I have in my bag and I explain I was on an overnight trip and thought I would see the memorial before leaving town.

He asks me if I have any metal objects in my bag.

I’m confused…. The only thing I can think of is my black leather belt with metal butterflies (hardened criminal I tell you. lol)

He turns the xray monitor so that I can see and points to an object that he is a bit embarrassed to ask me about.

I said… Oh that is my curling iron. (and I’ll be damned, it does look like…)

He looks confused and asks quietly, what is it, again.

I said it’s my curling iron.

Apparently he did not know what a curling iron was nor did he know what one was used for by the continued confused look…

I finally figured out that I believe he was thinking it was another apparatus (adults will know what that means, unless they are prudes).

I’m trying not to laugh and repeat it’s my curling iron, as now many people are looking at me and the screen to only see the top half of my curling iron.

Oh great… lots of people with kids are thinking I’m wondering around with adult toys…

For the love of God, it’s just my curling iron to do my damn hair…

I offered to pull the offending curling iron out of my bag to show him… He decided that wasnt necessary and let me through the check point.

Needless to say, I had lots of space between me and everyone else. All I could do was laugh at the thoughts running through the minds of everyone around me… I really do try to behave, I swear, I really do… I dont know how it happens…

Hiking Barefoot with Bears

All Stories

One of those stressful, sleepless nights last year, I got out of bed about 3 am, feeling like I was gonna jump right outta my own damn skin – kinda like demons nipping at your heels. All I wanted to do was jump in the car and go. Didnt care where, I just needed to go. But being 3 am, my rational side wasnt going to let me. I mean it’s 3 am. Where the hell am I gonna go at 3 am? That would be straight driving for 3 hrs before anything started to open and given my mood I coulda made some serious distance in those 3 hrs.

I subjected myself to a couple of hours of viewing various Facebook pages. Yeah, that helped – NOT. Listening to music… I couldnt get settled. So by 5:30 AM I was in the car. At least it was a slightly more reasonable time, especially for a broke chic who only had enough money to fill her 1/2 full gas tank up one more time and a little bit of cash.

So I went barreling down the interstate.

A little over 2 hrs later, my rational side kicks in and says “You need a plan or before you know it you’ll be in Tennessee having to call family to wire you gas money.” Damn it, my ration side had a point.

I found a Waffle House to stop and eat a cheap breakfast while I tried to come up with a plan. I had to laugh at myself, as I just drove over 2 hrs to eat at a Waffle House when I have 2 with in a 10 my radius of my home and passed countless others while speeding down the interstate.

So I pull out my cell phone and pull up the handy map application knowing I’m not far from Shenandoah, Skyline, etc… Well, apparently, I blew right past them and was now further south… So I decided to backtrack north to that area and I would either end up by the water or in the mountains.

The car took me to Skyline Drive – Apparently that is where it decided to go, cause I was really hoping for Shenandoah – needed to be near the water. But I found myself at the south gate of Skyline.

Now you need to know what I was wearing:

Flip flops
A cute little pair of shorts
and a really pretty little summer top

I stopped at one pull off in Skyline, got out and started walking along the path. Nothing of what I was wearing was meant for hiking in the woods, but there I was hiking in the woods. After about 20 mins I got bored on that path and really wanted to find some water to be near. So I hiked back to the car.

Went a little further down the road. Stopped and got a bottle of water, as it was going to be over 100 that day. Found another little pull off where there was a waterfall. I figured, this is what I need. So I headed toward the path entrance…

Dark Hollows Fall

Dangerous; treacherous
Steep
Rocky
Hiking boots and gear needed.
Take plenty of water

Well, I had water… So off I went down the path, figuring if it got too bad I would turn around. I’m wondering along the path, water bottle, cell phone and cigarettes in hand. I opt to take my flip flops off and carry them too… Yes, that means I was hiking barefoot on this alleged dangerous trail.

There were two bears

I catch movement out of the corner of my eye, and I see 2 black bears just on the other side of the dry creek about 25 yards from me. I try to get a couple of pics with my camera, but two other couples are coming up the trail and start clapping their hands when they see the bears. The noise makes the bears wonder deeper into the cover and my pics are all of trees and a dark spot. I wanted to throw these people to the bears… Of course, they finally see me and notice I’m barefoot, not in hiking gear, and lighting up a cigarette… I just grin… I grew up in the woods barefoot…

So I continue on my way down to the falls. All the while waiting for this trail to get treacherous… It never did… It was a gradual but steady decline, but treacherous… ha ha ha… not even close.

I make it to the falls. It is exactly what I needed, except there were a few other people there… So I wait for some of them to leave and wade into the water. It’s ice cold despite how hot it is outside. Feels great. I hang out there for some time and get some beautiful pictures. My mood has improved greatly. This is what I needed to recenter myself. My subconscious is making life decisions while I’m standing in the cold water absorbing serene beauty.

Barefoot as always

As more people start to gather at the fall, I figure it’s time for me to head back up. Still barefoot… I’m heading up the trail to hear people stop in mid conversation to look at my bare feet and pack of cigarettes. They are sweating, huffy, and puffy going down hill… I’m going up hill barefoot, smoking and carrying my flip flops… I stop a few times on the incline to wade in the creek and cool down on the steeper part of the incline. I aint no fool… It was freaking hot.

I’m nearing the entrance point, almost back to the car, grinning, from people eyeing the crazy barefoot chic, when I see two men heading to the falls. They are in mid conversation about having to stop and wait for the others when they notice me walking up the hill… still barefoot and not dressed for hiking. Their facial expressions were priceless as they turned back to look at the three other men they were waiting for:

Let’s see if I can describe this well enough, cause I almost peed myself from laughing…

Me – barefoot, cute little shorts, and really pretty little summer top carrying flip flops, cell, cigarettes, and water…

Them – hiking books, cargo pants loaded with stuff, a compass, walkie talkies, backpacks, canteens, hats, and each had two hiking poles… yes, that’s right, TWO HIKING POLES… lmao

I so badly wanted to take a picture, but I figured they had been shamed enough just witnessing a girl come up from her hike to the falls barefoot…

Their two buddies where doing everything in their power not to laugh… I bet those three guys still get teased. Really wishing I had taken a picture of them or gotten a group pic of me and them…

Well, it’s a year later. After everything, this trip really was the beginning of the end of a chapter in my life. Given it’s importance, it’s time for me to go hike barefoot in the woods with the bears again. Need to keep centered on the decisions made that day. Life’s not an easy journey, but one worth every minute. I think that is why I’ve always walked barefoot in the woods – – A little pain every now and again, but my steps are more true and carefully placed on the path.

Lord Help Me Jesus – Battle with Gravity

All Stories

I have a tendency to wear heels… somewhat high heels… usually ranging in the 3″ to 5″ range…

So one day, I was in DC on business wearing my favorite pair of 5″ heels. Nice big chunky heel, so they are pretty comfy and stable.. or so I thought.

I left my meetings about 5pm. If you’ve ever been in DC, 5pm is not the time to try to get out of the city. This particular day was even worse, as it was the hockey playoffs and the Caps had a home game. Traffic was a snarled mess.

So I decided to stay in town for a bit to have dinner, then a little shopping, and leave once the game was well under way. Sounded like a smart plan…

I went to my car to drop off my laptop and stuff. There was a fleeting thought about changing shoes, but I opted to keep my heels on. They are a comfy pair of shoes. I mean, what could go wrong, right? I’ve run in these heels before.

So I have a nice little dinner just down the street from where my car was parked. When I get back outside, I see traffic is still a snarled mess. I decided to head to an area several blocks away for a little shopping.

Now, you should know, I tend to walk fast…. I often say I walk with great purpose. Long strides at a NYC kinda pace. Even in my big girl heels I zip past most people. I was moving along this day, maybe a bit faster than I should have been.

I go to cross at an intersection. A very busy intersection and long intersection – 4 lanes of traffic and shoulder. The Caps game had not started yet, so there was a ton of people around. I’d say near a couple of hundred people where within clear visibility of this intersection and the events that were about to unfold.

I stepped out into the crosswalk at a high rate of speed. Which means before one foot was firmly on the ground the other was already coming up off the ground.

Well, apparently, where I placed my foot was a bit uneven. So….

The foot on the ground twists, dropping me 5″ while the other foot is still in stride… oh boy…

I hurry and put the other foot down so I can try to re-balance myself on the stilts…

I am now stumbling across the intersection, knowing it is going to hurt when I splat, laughing at myself, as I hear people behind me commenting on my ever so graceful stumbling with my arms flailing about.

I make it about half way across the intersection, I start to regain balance and just as I think I’m going to be ok…Ha… right…

Half way through that thought and I’m starting to see the ground get closer and closer as I continue to stumble forward trying like hell not to fall. But knowing I am going to hit the ground and hard.

I’ve made it across 3 lanes when I realize I need to stop fight it and just fall. I was coming up on a curb, which would be worse than the flat pavement.

So I finally hit the ground and skidded. I was officially laughing to hard to feel it. I sat in the street for a moment as people walked around me. My hands were scrapped but not bloody. My hip hurt from the impact it had with the ground. The one knee of my dress pants was slightly damaged. Not so bad… or so I thought…

Finally, one person did decided to be helpful and I got back up on the stilts. (Actually he walked past with a little boy and I guess he realized he should maybe show the little boy he had some manners and turned around and came back) Once up, I started walking to where I was heading, much slower of course. I was thinking a new pair of shoes would be top on my shopping list.

I’m limping along, a little shaken, still laughing when I feel something on my elbow. I stop to find blood and road rash… I realize I need to get to a bathroom so I can clean it, but I don’t want people to see blood dripping from my arm. I position my p

Now, here I am, limping through DC, with my elbow pushed into the side of my purse, blood dripping, head hung, holding in my laughter (not every effectively)…. I have no doubt that I looked like a well dressed crack whore who just got beat down by her pimp.

Ya all should be thankful, that not only do I laugh at myself, I share my embarrassing moments freely, cause, well, they’re just freakin funny. Although, this story is better in person where you get to see me re-enact the the Lord Help Me Jesus Fall… I’m sure there are security guards still watching the footage captured… LOL

Orgasmic Salmon – An embarrassing moment

Adventures Traveling, All Stories, Priceless Stories

After talking to my Mother the other day, I realized not everyone gets the name… She thought the meal I had was in fact called Orgasmic Salmon.

So…

There is this little mirco brew in Sterling / Dulles, VA that I love to eat at when I’m down that way… It’s called Sweetwater Tavern. If you every get the chance to go there, do so. Food is really good… maybe a bit too good….

I was there one day on a business trip with the COE (male) and COO (male) of the company I work for having lunch. I had been there before and liked the food, but this time I thought I would order the Short Smoked Salmon. It is very yummy… I mean very very very very very very very yummy.

So, there I was, eating my super yummy salmon, when the CEO asked me if I was ok. I looked up a bit confused and said yes with a look questioning why he was asking.

My boss, the COO, starts to laugh and says I think she’s gonna need two cigarettes after her meal.

Well, just imagine the horror on my face as I am realizing I am making sounds… Sounds of great pleasure apparently. I mean of really really great pleasure… Oh, I guess, maybe I should mention, I wasnt sitting still either…

And not only were they looking at me, everyone in our section was… Oh, I turned bright red. I tried desperately to eat the rest of my meal in silence… Yeah, that didnt work out real well… It was really really really really good, in case you havent figured that out.

Salmon that was short smoked with a dijon sauce… <pause for moment to self>…. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. In my defense, it was really really really really really really really super yummy….

and further, I’m not the only chic that has had the same response to this dish…. But so far, I havent seen anyone distract multiple tables in a rather noisy restaurant.

So, the Short Smoked Salmon is forever known by a few of us as Orgasmic Salmon. Every time I go there, I have to look up the real name as I really just want to order the orgasmic salmon. Maybe I should let them know about this story and ask them to change the name so that I dont have to bother looking at the menu when I go there. And yes, I have been back despite my sheer embarrassment… many times…

Terrorizing the guy at the dump

All Stories, Random Acts of Terror

My Evil was hanging out one day when I went to the dump… Poor guy never saw it coming… Funny, I havent seen him working since…

I pulled up to the dump one day to drop off a bunch of big bags of garden / yard trash. The bags were rather heavy.

It was late enough that no other people were around except 1 of the guys that works there. And that caused my Evil to come screaming out… I mean the guy was tattooed covered and all, so I didnt think this was going to be too Evil. But maybe I was wrong?

So I toss one bag and walk back for another. It was clear the bags were heavy. So I toss the 2nd one and on my way back I ever so casually say the following:

“Man, I need to start cutting the bodies in smaller pieces. These bags are getting too heavy.”

And I grab the next bag as if I had said nothing more than “Nice weather”. I toss the next bag and walk back for the another. The guy is standing there, motionless, with a shocked and bewildered look on his face. I think he even stop breathing for a bit. You could see the thoughts flashing behind his eyes.

I toss the next one and walk back for the remaining bag, when he finally manages to speak. He managed to get out “Makes you wonder if anyone’s really done that”, in a voice that sounds a bit like maybe he just saw a ghost. I just smile an evil little grin, toss my last bag, and jump back in the car to leave.

Now, since I havent seen the guy at the dump since… I’m wondering… Was he fired for digging through the trash or did he quit? Did he have to file a PTSD claim for disability?

5 speeds are tricky

All Stories, Family

In this one, you kinda get a two for one…

So in my early 20’s I had the anti-Christ of all cars… It was a 1984 Pontiac 2000 Sunbird… Yeah, I shoulda known better – 2 models 1 car is never a good idea… It really was the car from hell and has many stories that I’ll get to another day.

Well, I was finally getting rid of the anti-Christ, but I was getting a car with a manual tranny. I had never driving a stick shift before, so this was gonna be fun. Dad went with me, as it was about a 90 mile drive and we weren’t sure the anti-Christ could make it. And there was the little fact that I had never driven a stick shift before and I was going to be in a high traffic town outside of Baltimore for this car.

So, we get to the dealership. Barely… Both Dad and I held our breath the whole way, as the anti-Christ shuddered, shook, spit, and sputtered the whole ride. We both knew I was coming home with a new car that day, cause the anti-Christ wasnt going to make it back (According to the MD DMV paperwork I receive a couple of months later, it only made it a couple of miles before it was abandoned on the side of a road and they thought I should pay them many hundreds of dollars in impound fees – ha ha ha – I mailed them copies of the transfer of ownership papers)

I got my new little sporty car that was only a year old. Dad drove it half way home and then made a pit stop and told me to drive… Ha ha ha… I’ve never ever ever ever ever ever driven a stick shift and he parks it on a nice steep incline. Some car parks behind me right on my bumper and I’m going to have to take the interstate home… Well, I managed and WITHOUT STALLING THE CAR or rolling back into the car behind me!!!!! Woo Hoo… Now onto part two…

Well, several years later, my baby sister is looking to buy her first new vehicle. I walk in to Dad saying to her “5 speeds are tricky. You dont want one.”

Not knowing the full conversation, I say “5 speeds arent tricky. That’s what I’ve driving for a few years.”

Well, Dad shot me a look and my youngest sister bought her first 5 speed the next day.

Oppps…. Sorry, Dad… I didnt realize you were just trying to discourage her from buying a standard shift. At least it wasnt our middle sister. We’ll get to her driving stories another day, as, there’s some entertainment!

Mom stabbed herself, I was just holding the knife

All Stories, Family, Random Acts of Terror

I swear to it!!! Really, that’s what happened!

So Mom and I were in the kitchen together while I was cutting something up. I was in my early 20s (God I hope the statute of limitations is up on a stabbing – LOL).

We were goofing off, talking trash and, well, next thing ya know…

I’m standing there holding the knife outward in my hand in a jokingly threatening manner…

and she turns to strut away with her hands swinging back as she walked…

and the palm of her hand make contact with the knife, impaling her hand…

Since it was a serrated stake knife, it pulled the meat out of her hand just below her thumb…

She’s like… “You stabbed me” – half shocked and half laughing.

I’m like… “You stabbed yourself” – laughing, cause that is what you should do when someone is stabbed. LOL

She starts to holler “[Dad’s name]! [Dad’s name]! You daughter just stabbed me!!”

My Fathers response…. {hear the crickets chirping… yeah, that was all we heard too…}

We didnt even hear him move… I started laughing… He wasnt even coming up the steps to see what had occurred… Poor man gave up years before – He realized he didnt have a shot. He had 3 daughters, a female dog, a female cat, and a wife… He hid in the basement with the guns. Smart man he is.

So, we got out the gauze and tape. Pushed the meat back in and put Mom’s hand back together.

Ya know, I am blessed with my somewhat off center family. Their a good bunch of nuts that gave me my sense of somewhat twisted humor and an endless supply of stories.

(For the record and just so no one thinks otherwise, my Father is a great man. He knew it wasnt a serious incident or he woulda been up the steps in a flash. He could hear us laughing.)

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