Family

How many people have I allegedly stabbed?

All Stories, Family, Gal Pal, Random Acts of Terror

It’s always such a pleasure when people in my life meet and immediately start comparing stab wounds I allegedly inflected or allegedly attempted to inflict. Good God, it’s like listening to war stories of soldiers proudly displaying their battle scars.

The other day my Mother got to meet the psychopath… and promptly shows the scar on her hand from where she impaled herself with a knife I happened to be holding.

So… the psychopath points to his ribs and indicates where he says I nearly stabbed him while I was attempting to cut potatoes.

And there I am, sitting there helplessly, wondering how many others would jump in with “war stories” from knowing me…

Mom’s Locked in the Car

All Stories, Family, Random Acts of Terror

So… After I shared my blog with family and friends, Mommy reminds me of yet another story my damn Etch-A-Sketch for a brain forgot about. She emails me this:

Just read a couple stories but the one about you almost killing your gal pal made me think of when you first got your shinny new white car and we stopped off at Food Lion. I, like your friend, waited in the car (but it was turned off) and as you walked towards the store the locks locked and the alarm went on. I was scared to death to move or even breath and just prayed that no one that I knew would come up and want to talk to me where I would have to roll down the windows. When you finally came out of the store, I’m waving at you making a hand gesture to turn the car alarm off. You thought this was funny but I was pretty stressed!

Love

Mom

The car I had bought would automatically alarm itself after a couple of minutes. I did not know this… and neither did my poor unsuspecting Mother. <evil grin> You should have seen her sitting there in the car not moving, trying so hard to get my attention ever so carefully so as not to set off the alarm. It was priceless!!

Makes ya wanna get in a car with me, doesnt it?

5 speeds are tricky

All Stories, Family

In this one, you kinda get a two for one…

So in my early 20’s I had the anti-Christ of all cars… It was a 1984 Pontiac 2000 Sunbird… Yeah, I shoulda known better – 2 models 1 car is never a good idea… It really was the car from hell and has many stories that I’ll get to another day.

Well, I was finally getting rid of the anti-Christ, but I was getting a car with a manual tranny. I had never driving a stick shift before, so this was gonna be fun. Dad went with me, as it was about a 90 mile drive and we weren’t sure the anti-Christ could make it. And there was the little fact that I had never driven a stick shift before and I was going to be in a high traffic town outside of Baltimore for this car.

So, we get to the dealership. Barely… Both Dad and I held our breath the whole way, as the anti-Christ shuddered, shook, spit, and sputtered the whole ride. We both knew I was coming home with a new car that day, cause the anti-Christ wasnt going to make it back (According to the MD DMV paperwork I receive a couple of months later, it only made it a couple of miles before it was abandoned on the side of a road and they thought I should pay them many hundreds of dollars in impound fees – ha ha ha – I mailed them copies of the transfer of ownership papers)

I got my new little sporty car that was only a year old. Dad drove it half way home and then made a pit stop and told me to drive… Ha ha ha… I’ve never ever ever ever ever ever driven a stick shift and he parks it on a nice steep incline. Some car parks behind me right on my bumper and I’m going to have to take the interstate home… Well, I managed and WITHOUT STALLING THE CAR or rolling back into the car behind me!!!!! Woo Hoo… Now onto part two…

Well, several years later, my baby sister is looking to buy her first new vehicle. I walk in to Dad saying to her “5 speeds are tricky. You dont want one.”

Not knowing the full conversation, I say “5 speeds arent tricky. That’s what I’ve driving for a few years.”

Well, Dad shot me a look and my youngest sister bought her first 5 speed the next day.

Oppps…. Sorry, Dad… I didnt realize you were just trying to discourage her from buying a standard shift. At least it wasnt our middle sister. We’ll get to her driving stories another day, as, there’s some entertainment!

Mom stabbed herself, I was just holding the knife

All Stories, Family, Random Acts of Terror

I swear to it!!! Really, that’s what happened!

So Mom and I were in the kitchen together while I was cutting something up. I was in my early 20s (God I hope the statute of limitations is up on a stabbing – LOL).

We were goofing off, talking trash and, well, next thing ya know…

I’m standing there holding the knife outward in my hand in a jokingly threatening manner…

and she turns to strut away with her hands swinging back as she walked…

and the palm of her hand make contact with the knife, impaling her hand…

Since it was a serrated stake knife, it pulled the meat out of her hand just below her thumb…

She’s like… “You stabbed me” – half shocked and half laughing.

I’m like… “You stabbed yourself” – laughing, cause that is what you should do when someone is stabbed. LOL

She starts to holler “[Dad’s name]! [Dad’s name]! You daughter just stabbed me!!”

My Fathers response…. {hear the crickets chirping… yeah, that was all we heard too…}

We didnt even hear him move… I started laughing… He wasnt even coming up the steps to see what had occurred… Poor man gave up years before – He realized he didnt have a shot. He had 3 daughters, a female dog, a female cat, and a wife… He hid in the basement with the guns. Smart man he is.

So, we got out the gauze and tape. Pushed the meat back in and put Mom’s hand back together.

Ya know, I am blessed with my somewhat off center family. Their a good bunch of nuts that gave me my sense of somewhat twisted humor and an endless supply of stories.

(For the record and just so no one thinks otherwise, my Father is a great man. He knew it wasnt a serious incident or he woulda been up the steps in a flash. He could hear us laughing.)

Mom’s stuck in the fridge

All Stories, Family

I thought I would share how helpful us three girls were to our Mother. We are so going to Hell!!!

So, one morning, I’m laying in bed half sleeping half awake. I hear my mother start to holler for any of us girls. She needs a little help. I figure my sisters will go help her since their room was directly over the kitchen. I figured if I stayed quiet, they would all assume I was still sleeping.

Apparently, my sisters had the same thought. All three of us girls were silent even though we were all awake as we heard the following from our Mother:

  • Umm… Girls… Could one of you come help me a minute?
  • Girls. Could one of you come help me?
  • Girls. I’m stuck in the fridge. Could one of you come help me?
  • GIRLS… I NEED HELP. I’M STUCK IN THE FRIDGE.
  • GIRLS… (words I cant say) I NEED HELP. HELP. I’M STUCK
  • OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOULD ONE OF YOU HELP ME
  • GIRLS… [my name], [my middle sister], [baby sis] I NEED HELP
  • OH GOD
  • I’M STUCK IN THE FRIDGE. I JUST NEED A PAIR OF SCISSORS. HELP ME.
  • [grumble of words that shouldnt be repeated]
  • Never mind. I ripped my finger nail off. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

Yeah, I know, there is a special place in Hell for kids like this. Turns out we were all in our beds with pillows over our faces LAUGHING. Not one of us would move to help our poor Mother out of the fridge. Oh, we could tell it wasnt really life threatening or at least one of us might have moved, I hope.

Life with a dyslexic slightly off center child

All Stories, Family

While I’m thinking about my childhood, I figured I would provide a sampling of what it was like to raise me. My poor parents. They had no idea what they were getting into by allowing me to enter this world.

 

Virgin vs. Virgo

At about the age of 9, I come home and ask my mother if I’m a virgin. I was confused by the shocked look on her face and her stuttering. It was a simple question after all. She eventually, choked out “I hope so. Why do you ask?”. My reply was that I was curious as to what i was. Poor Mom was perplexed and asked me to explain further So i started explaining the zodiac signs of my friends. “Oh. You mean Virgo” she says as relief washes over her.

 

Hoat Canger

Sometimes the simplest questions can be very challenging. One day, I was cleaning my room and came out to ask my mother a question. I asked “Are there some spare hoat cangers that I could use?” Mom had a confused look on her face and said “hoat canger?” To which i replied, “Yes, hoat canger.” This did no clear her confused look. She ever so patiently told me she did not know what I was asking. Needless to say, I became frustrated and said hoat canger again. Well, this went on for a bit, until i finally became exasperated went to the coat closet and pulled out a damn hoat canger and showed it to her. To which she replies “Oh, you mean coat hanger!” Needless to say we laugh over this and sadio ration (translation = radio station) to this day. My parents had to learn a whole new language when talking with this daughter.

 

Chicken physical re-hab

All Stories, Family

This one is going to be a bit difficult to share by text only. Visuals are really needed for the full effect, but I’ll do my best.

So, as a kid, we had chickens. Dad thought it would be a good idea to get a dozen chickens for eggs and then kill them for food after a year. He seemed to forget he had all girls. What do girls do with animals? Name them and play dress up with them. (yes, there where chickens with bows) Yeah, good luck killing an animal that one of your daughters named.

Well, one day, one of my younger sisters was playing with one of the chickens in the coop. The chicken (Panama) she was playing with was busy keeping eggs warm, so she decided, at about age 5, to “build” Panama a nicer roosting area, while she was on her nest. My sis gathered up some left over 4″ x 4″ fence post ends and starting stacking them around Panama.

During the “building” process, something went horribly awry and the wall crashed down on Panama crushing part of her head. Well, my sister was terribly upset, grabbed Panama and brought her into the house to out mother. This chicken is hurt and our father is out of town, leaving a house full of.girls to figure out how to deal with a badly hurt chicken.

Our poor mother knows the chicken should be put out of its suffering, but she just doesnt have the ability to break its neck and she has a teary-eyed 5, 4, and 12 yr olds standing there. So, since the injury was to Panama’s head, she figured Tylenol Works on her headaches, so why not. Now, keep reading before anyone breaks out in full PETA mode.

Mom did her best to prep us girls for Panama’s death, as really, given the injury she should not have lived. Mom crushed a little bit of Tylenol with some water and fed it to the bird. She figured it would either help reduce pain while it healed, or (and most likely) keep it more comfortable while it passed.

Panama stayed in the house with 3 young attentive nurses. Mom, of course, made us all go to bed and we all expected by morning Panama would have gone to Chicken heaven.

We all got up in the morning and shocking Panama was still alive. Mom gave her another chicken size dose of Tylenol After a few days of this treatment, Panama started doing much better. Again, shocked! But this is where it gets amusing. Chicken physical re-hab. Yes, you read that right. I said chicken physical re-hab.

The fence post left Panama with some brain damage and chickens dont have much to work with in the first place. So, Panama ended up blind in one eye. When she would try to eat or drink, she would miss what she was aiming for as she kept her one eye on the food. So we had to keep two bowls of food and water until she adjusted. Ok, it’s not really funny, but one cant help chuckle at the thought of a chicken pecking, missing, and lifting its head with a confused look. You dont realize how expressive a chicken can be and that is what is amusing.

She also could only go in circles since she only had vision in one eye. Ok, the accident wasnt funny, but it was really runny watching this poor chicken run in circles trying to get somewhere. And with 3 girls, Panama received lots of walking therapy. My sister (who still feels horribly responsible even 30 yrs later) would hold onto her as she would walk course correcting Panama as she walked. No joke, she really did. Poor kid felt so bad for hurting her friend, she worked on Panama’s rehab tirelessly.

After much chicken physical rehab, Panama was able to rejoin the rest of the chickens. Despite, her injury, she lead a good life and learned to adjust herself. She looked like a drunkard running through the yard, but she would get to where she was going. We think her resulting injuries actually gave her an advantage when other animals broke into the coop at night and killed many of our chickens ovet time. She was never touched. We believe there was a rumor among the predators Something to the effect of leave that one alone that runs in circles. She is crazy.

Panama lived for many years, running like a drunkard, but well loved. And just for the record any animal injury, one should consult a vet and not give it Tylenol Back then it was different and we did what we could to help the situation. Now, I would have called a vet.