Random Acts of Terror

How many people have I allegedly stabbed?

All Stories, Family, Gal Pal, Random Acts of Terror

It’s always such a pleasure when people in my life meet and immediately start comparing stab wounds I allegedly inflected or allegedly attempted to inflict. Good God, it’s like listening to war stories of soldiers proudly displaying their battle scars.

The other day my Mother got to meet the psychopath… and promptly shows the scar on her hand from where she impaled herself with a knife I happened to be holding.

So… the psychopath points to his ribs and indicates where he says I nearly stabbed him while I was attempting to cut potatoes.

And there I am, sitting there helplessly, wondering how many others would jump in with “war stories” from knowing me…

You went at that bitch like a drunken Edward Scissorhands

All Stories, Random Acts of Terror

So, I bought myself a small damn turkey for me to cook Thanksgiving day… that was the plan… but it seems, like always, my plans change… Now I have this thawed damn turkey and no time to cook it, let alone eat it… I’ve got a full schedule now for the whole 4 days I’m off. My only option, cook it the night before or throw it in the trash.

7pm I’m getting the damn turkey in the oven. I figure if I gotta cook the damn turkey, I’m gonna eat the damn turkey which means I need mashed potatoes, gravy, etc…

For some reason, I think it’s a good idea get into the booze once the damn turkey is in the oven. Damn Irish blood… and I’m a total lightweight.

My Gal Pal was in the area and decided to stop by and pay me a visit… He arrives to:

  • The stereo full blast with Jump Around playing (the floor and walls were vibrating)
  • Me running down the steps with my 2nd glass of booze in my hand (later it was sliding down the steps on my ass)
  • Me extremely energized and happy, talking a hundred miles an hour with my hands flying around while I talk.

All he could do was stare at the drunken mess that is me, laugh, and repeat there’s gonna be a trip to the ER tonight. And he felt the need to point out I had a southern accent… I said wait til the New Yorker comes out… He was sure my mood was gonna change and we would end up in a fist fight.

and I was only getting started…

So… a couple more glasses (Again, I am a lightweight, so I’m a really really really happy girl at this point. )

Then I decide it’s time to peel potatoes… with a knife… and numb hands, cause the booze is really starting to hit. Oh, and maybe I should mention I was dancing too… with a knife in my hands…

2013-11-28 12.43.54So I peel the first one, a russet potato (I used a blend of types for the best mashed tators ever!) and grab a sharper knife to cut it up… Well, russets are a bit tough, so the potato went flying when I applied pressure with the knife… The quote from my Gal Pal the following day:

“You went at that bitch like a drunken Edward Scissorhands who was hell bent on losing a finger.”

Well, I managed to keep all my fingers, sustain no major injuries, and eat… and promptly fall asleep directly after eating… Although my Gal Pal says next time, he’s putting a helmet and kneepads on me if I’ve been drinking.

And for the record, it was a perfectly cooked damn turkey that was super yummy and juicy. The mashed potatoes ended up with pieces of the mixer in them when my mixer broke… but I have a shiny new mixer now that even has a boob guard (cause my Gal Pal said he’s never seen anyone nearly get their boob caught in the beaters while mashing potatoes.) I, however, do not recall this.

Mom’s Locked in the Car

All Stories, Family, Random Acts of Terror

So… After I shared my blog with family and friends, Mommy reminds me of yet another story my damn Etch-A-Sketch for a brain forgot about. She emails me this:

Just read a couple stories but the one about you almost killing your gal pal made me think of when you first got your shinny new white car and we stopped off at Food Lion. I, like your friend, waited in the car (but it was turned off) and as you walked towards the store the locks locked and the alarm went on. I was scared to death to move or even breath and just prayed that no one that I knew would come up and want to talk to me where I would have to roll down the windows. When you finally came out of the store, I’m waving at you making a hand gesture to turn the car alarm off. You thought this was funny but I was pretty stressed!

Love

Mom

The car I had bought would automatically alarm itself after a couple of minutes. I did not know this… and neither did my poor unsuspecting Mother. <evil grin> You should have seen her sitting there in the car not moving, trying so hard to get my attention ever so carefully so as not to set off the alarm. It was priceless!!

Makes ya wanna get in a car with me, doesnt it?

Terrorizing the guy at the dump

All Stories, Random Acts of Terror

My Evil was hanging out one day when I went to the dump… Poor guy never saw it coming… Funny, I havent seen him working since…

I pulled up to the dump one day to drop off a bunch of big bags of garden / yard trash. The bags were rather heavy.

It was late enough that no other people were around except 1 of the guys that works there. And that caused my Evil to come screaming out… I mean the guy was tattooed covered and all, so I didnt think this was going to be too Evil. But maybe I was wrong?

So I toss one bag and walk back for another. It was clear the bags were heavy. So I toss the 2nd one and on my way back I ever so casually say the following:

“Man, I need to start cutting the bodies in smaller pieces. These bags are getting too heavy.”

And I grab the next bag as if I had said nothing more than “Nice weather”. I toss the next bag and walk back for the another. The guy is standing there, motionless, with a shocked and bewildered look on his face. I think he even stop breathing for a bit. You could see the thoughts flashing behind his eyes.

I toss the next one and walk back for the remaining bag, when he finally manages to speak. He managed to get out “Makes you wonder if anyone’s really done that”, in a voice that sounds a bit like maybe he just saw a ghost. I just smile an evil little grin, toss my last bag, and jump back in the car to leave.

Now, since I havent seen the guy at the dump since… I’m wondering… Was he fired for digging through the trash or did he quit? Did he have to file a PTSD claim for disability?

Mom stabbed herself, I was just holding the knife

All Stories, Family, Random Acts of Terror

I swear to it!!! Really, that’s what happened!

So Mom and I were in the kitchen together while I was cutting something up. I was in my early 20s (God I hope the statute of limitations is up on a stabbing – LOL).

We were goofing off, talking trash and, well, next thing ya know…

I’m standing there holding the knife outward in my hand in a jokingly threatening manner…

and she turns to strut away with her hands swinging back as she walked…

and the palm of her hand make contact with the knife, impaling her hand…

Since it was a serrated stake knife, it pulled the meat out of her hand just below her thumb…

She’s like… “You stabbed me” – half shocked and half laughing.

I’m like… “You stabbed yourself” – laughing, cause that is what you should do when someone is stabbed. LOL

She starts to holler “[Dad’s name]! [Dad’s name]! You daughter just stabbed me!!”

My Fathers response…. {hear the crickets chirping… yeah, that was all we heard too…}

We didnt even hear him move… I started laughing… He wasnt even coming up the steps to see what had occurred… Poor man gave up years before – He realized he didnt have a shot. He had 3 daughters, a female dog, a female cat, and a wife… He hid in the basement with the guns. Smart man he is.

So, we got out the gauze and tape. Pushed the meat back in and put Mom’s hand back together.

Ya know, I am blessed with my somewhat off center family. Their a good bunch of nuts that gave me my sense of somewhat twisted humor and an endless supply of stories.

(For the record and just so no one thinks otherwise, my Father is a great man. He knew it wasnt a serious incident or he woulda been up the steps in a flash. He could hear us laughing.)

The Butterfly Bush Assassin

All Stories, Random Acts of Terror

Probably one of the funniest stories as it truly showcases my special brand of crazy.

Let’s just say I was having a rough few years and was in the process of making some very tough decisions. The kind where you know what you have to do, but you refuse to accept it. Apparently, if you refuse to embrace what you need to do long enough, the Universe will forcefully push you in the direction you need to go. The Universe and I were at great odds during this period. We had lots of battles. I may have lost this one, but I proved my point that day. I will not go quietly.

So, I had this massive beautiful bright purple dwarf butterfly bush in my front yard. I planted it and nurtured it for years. It was huge. One year, a storm pulled it half out of the ground and laid it over. I got it back up right and anchored until its roots could reestablish (of course in total redneck style – I used ratchet straps). I babied this bush back to health.

Butterfly Bush 01

My Poor Butterfly Bush

The following year. Another bad storm rolled in. I walked outside after the storm to check for damages to the house. The first thing I saw… yeah… my butterfly bush was again half out of the ground laying over. Only this time it was the opposite side.

Well, this did not go over well with me. The Universe wants a war, it will get one. I jumped on the car and raced to Lowe’s.

I was 60 shades of pissed off. and apparently anyone within a 2 mile radius could feel the anger radiating. Lowe’s was super busy. As I walked with “great purpose” (super long fast stride clearly indicating I am in a homicidal rage) to the power tools sections, the sea of people parted magically.

I get to the power tools (the very best section in any hardware store!) and pick out a shiny new sawzall. Then I pick up a pack of heavy duty fire and rescue demolition blades for the sawzall with an evil grin.

Once back to the house, I crank the music full blast. What was the choice of music… Cypress Hill.

Get the sawzall ready. I briefly notice that all my neighbors have vanished. Chuckled to myself realizing I was yet again terrorizing the very nice neighborhood.

So there I am – 41 yrs old, shorts and bikini top, cigarette, shiny new sawzall with the fire and rescue blade, and Cypress Hill. Hey, I said I was slightly off center… Ok, maybe slightly is a bit of an understatement.

I squat down working my way under the branches to the base. I’m in a not so comfortable or flattering position with the sawzall between my legs so that I can get to the base and I start cutting.

Butteryfly Bush 02

Sawzall – a pissed off violent crazy chic’s best friend…

At that moment my brain decides to take a little side trip and all I hear in my head is the line Steve Buscemi says in the movie Armageddon when he’s riding the nuclear warhead…“Relax Brother, I just wanted to feel the power between my leg.“

Well, now I cant keep a straight face to save my soul; anger vaporized. I was thankful for the cover of the butterfly bush so the neighbors really couldnt see me. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. (Not so easy to operate a sawzall in an awkward position while in tears for the record.)

This has now become funny as sin. I’m taking out my butterfly bush in a fit of violent rage. Well, now I’m just entertaining myself. I finish cutting down the whole thing down, dig out the rest of the roots, and bag it up. Many hours worth of bagging. After 5 or 6 hrs, my hands are blistered and re-blistered, I’m sore, and exhausted. Since it’s dark, I decide to finish bagging the rest the next day.

Not one neighbor pokes their head out. I’m pretty sure they had thought I was way off the deep end. I find it amusing that I seem to terrorize them.

The next day, I get home from work ready to finish cleaning up my mess. What do I see? One of my neighbors had mowed my grass. Well, I guess I ought to thank them and let them know I’m no longer swinging from the rafters.

Another came over to see if I needed help disposing of the carcass. Yeah, I had good neighbors even if I scared the hell out of them often. I miss them.

What’s really funny is how many people truly think I’m nuts. I’m an very logical person. When I saw the butterfly bush laying over, I knew it had to come out. Oh, I was pissed, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I coulda used the hacksaw and spent all day just cutting it manually. I coulda bought a chainsaw, but that’s not something I would use often. Oh, wait, I could use a sawzall and I’ve had a need for one of those on more than one occasion Therefore, a sawzall was the completely logical choice and would provide some entertaining harmless stress relief.