Priceless Stories

Orgasmic Salmon

Orgasmic Salmon – An embarrassing moment

Adventures Traveling, All Stories, Priceless Stories

After talking to my Mother the other day, I realized not everyone gets the name… She thought the meal I had was in fact called Orgasmic Salmon.

So…

There is this little mirco brew in Sterling / Dulles, VA that I love to eat at when I’m down that way… It’s called Sweetwater Tavern. If you every get the chance to go there, do so. Food is really good… maybe a bit too good….

I was there one day on a business trip with the COE (male) and COO (male) of the company I work for having lunch. I had been there before and liked the food, but this time I thought I would order the Short Smoked Salmon. It is very yummy… I mean very very very very very very very yummy.

So, there I was, eating my super yummy salmon, when the CEO asked me if I was ok. I looked up a bit confused and said yes with a look questioning why he was asking.

My boss, the COO, starts to laugh and says I think she’s gonna need two cigarettes after her meal.

Well, just imagine the horror on my face as I am realizing I am making sounds… Sounds of great pleasure apparently. I mean of really really great pleasure… Oh, I guess, maybe I should mention, I wasnt sitting still either…

And not only were they looking at me, everyone in our section was… Oh, I turned bright red. I tried desperately to eat the rest of my meal in silence… Yeah, that didnt work out real well… It was really really really really good, in case you havent figured that out.

Salmon that was short smoked with a dijon sauce… <pause for moment to self>…. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. In my defense, it was really really really really really really really super yummy….

and further, I’m not the only chic that has had the same response to this dish…. But so far, I havent seen anyone distract multiple tables in a rather noisy restaurant.

So, the Short Smoked Salmon is forever known by a few of us as Orgasmic Salmon. Every time I go there, I have to look up the real name as I really just want to order the orgasmic salmon. Maybe I should let them know about this story and ask them to change the name so that I dont have to bother looking at the menu when I go there. And yes, I have been back despite my sheer embarrassment… many times…

The Butterfly Bush Assassin

All Stories, Random Acts of Terror

Probably one of the funniest stories as it truly showcases my special brand of crazy.

Let’s just say I was having a rough few years and was in the process of making some very tough decisions. The kind where you know what you have to do, but you refuse to accept it. Apparently, if you refuse to embrace what you need to do long enough, the Universe will forcefully push you in the direction you need to go. The Universe and I were at great odds during this period. We had lots of battles. I may have lost this one, but I proved my point that day. I will not go quietly.

So, I had this massive beautiful bright purple dwarf butterfly bush in my front yard. I planted it and nurtured it for years. It was huge. One year, a storm pulled it half out of the ground and laid it over. I got it back up right and anchored until its roots could reestablish (of course in total redneck style – I used ratchet straps). I babied this bush back to health.

Butterfly Bush 01

My Poor Butterfly Bush

The following year. Another bad storm rolled in. I walked outside after the storm to check for damages to the house. The first thing I saw… yeah… my butterfly bush was again half out of the ground laying over. Only this time it was the opposite side.

Well, this did not go over well with me. The Universe wants a war, it will get one. I jumped on the car and raced to Lowe’s.

I was 60 shades of pissed off. and apparently anyone within a 2 mile radius could feel the anger radiating. Lowe’s was super busy. As I walked with “great purpose” (super long fast stride clearly indicating I am in a homicidal rage) to the power tools sections, the sea of people parted magically.

I get to the power tools (the very best section in any hardware store!) and pick out a shiny new sawzall. Then I pick up a pack of heavy duty fire and rescue demolition blades for the sawzall with an evil grin.

Once back to the house, I crank the music full blast. What was the choice of music… Cypress Hill.

Get the sawzall ready. I briefly notice that all my neighbors have vanished. Chuckled to myself realizing I was yet again terrorizing the very nice neighborhood.

So there I am – 41 yrs old, shorts and bikini top, cigarette, shiny new sawzall with the fire and rescue blade, and Cypress Hill. Hey, I said I was slightly off center… Ok, maybe slightly is a bit of an understatement.

I squat down working my way under the branches to the base. I’m in a not so comfortable or flattering position with the sawzall between my legs so that I can get to the base and I start cutting.

Butteryfly Bush 02

Sawzall – a pissed off violent crazy chic’s best friend…

At that moment my brain decides to take a little side trip and all I hear in my head is the line Steve Buscemi says in the movie Armageddon when he’s riding the nuclear warhead…“Relax Brother, I just wanted to feel the power between my leg.“

Well, now I cant keep a straight face to save my soul; anger vaporized. I was thankful for the cover of the butterfly bush so the neighbors really couldnt see me. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. (Not so easy to operate a sawzall in an awkward position while in tears for the record.)

This has now become funny as sin. I’m taking out my butterfly bush in a fit of violent rage. Well, now I’m just entertaining myself. I finish cutting down the whole thing down, dig out the rest of the roots, and bag it up. Many hours worth of bagging. After 5 or 6 hrs, my hands are blistered and re-blistered, I’m sore, and exhausted. Since it’s dark, I decide to finish bagging the rest the next day.

Not one neighbor pokes their head out. I’m pretty sure they had thought I was way off the deep end. I find it amusing that I seem to terrorize them.

The next day, I get home from work ready to finish cleaning up my mess. What do I see? One of my neighbors had mowed my grass. Well, I guess I ought to thank them and let them know I’m no longer swinging from the rafters.

Another came over to see if I needed help disposing of the carcass. Yeah, I had good neighbors even if I scared the hell out of them often. I miss them.

What’s really funny is how many people truly think I’m nuts. I’m an very logical person. When I saw the butterfly bush laying over, I knew it had to come out. Oh, I was pissed, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I coulda used the hacksaw and spent all day just cutting it manually. I coulda bought a chainsaw, but that’s not something I would use often. Oh, wait, I could use a sawzall and I’ve had a need for one of those on more than one occasion Therefore, a sawzall was the completely logical choice and would provide some entertaining harmless stress relief.

How to pass drivers education

All Stories, Priceless Stories

Ok…enough mocking other people’s stupidity. Let’s get back to mocking my own personal brilliance while we’re talking about cars.

For the record, this is a story I have not openly shared. Oh, my parents freely tell this story. But I’ve kept this little embarrassing gem to myself for about 27 yrs.

My high school had a drivers ed program. There were about 20 of us to one instructor (brilliant idea) and enough cars for each student to have one for practicing parking. There was a section of the school parking lot set up to practice parking while instructor watched. Although, I never figured out how he saw anything with his eyes closed.

When it came time to go practice parking, we all grab a set of keys and heading to where the cars were parked. Guess what I got? A Pontiac Bonneville. Yeah, a big ass boat. Oh this is going to be fun.

Naturally, it was the dead of winter and had just snowed. So there was snow and ice around parts of the parking lot.

We all got in our cars, lined up and started our little parking parade. All the spots were set up for pull in parking and marked by orange cones. We drove around in a circle trying each spot. Well one of the spots was set up on a 90 degree left turn and angled incorrectly for pulling in. It the object was to back in, it would have been set up perfectly… But we were only practicing pulling in parking.

I was happily parking along like everyone else until I got to this spot. Now I saw everyone else do the same thing I was about to do… and they all hit the same cone regardless of the car size. So I knew this was going to be a breeze in the yacht. Ha! I, of course, hit the cone. So I put the car in park, got out, trudge through the snow and ice fixed the cone and tried again.

Well, dont you know, your feet become very slippery on the pedals when your shoes are snow packed. I tried to pull the yacht in again and hit the cone again. So I put my foot on the break and….

My foot slipped off the break…

Nailing the gas pedal…

And we are airborne…

Over the small embankment….

Rolling down the hill…

I place my foot on the break again and dont you know…

My foot slips off again…

Nailing the gas pedal again…

To lurch further down the hill into the deeper snow and mud…

Sinking…

YEA ME! I went muddin in drivers ed…

Shoot me now, please shoot me now… is all I can think. I anchor the yacht and desperately try to become invisible. Yeah, that didnt work. The yacht is officially stuck and all my classmates are watching and laughing. Of course, since the yacht was stuck, they didnt quite find it so funny when they had to push the behemoth of a car out so we could get it back up the hill to, ya know, pavement.

I believe I still am the only student at that school to ever take a car airborne and go muddin all on school property in one fell swoop. And I PASSED drivers ed… Top that!

The day my ex was electrocuted

All Stories, Priceless Stories

So while I’m still thinking about funny stories that occurred when I lived in the shack, let me tell you about the time my son electrocuted my ex. (This is so much better told in person as I become very animated and my hands fly around as I retell this one.)

Many, many, many years ago… I’m sitting in the living room, minding my own business while my ex is in the shower. (Just for clarification, we were still together at the time. Not sure why I felt the need to point that out, but probably because I know I’m a little nuts, but not nuts enough to let my ex shower in my house… And you all dont really know where my line of crazy stops, so I thought clarification my be helpful. )

I hear this very loud thud and lots of other noises.

I jump up and run (the three steps it takes) to the bathroom to see what happened.

What do I find?

There is my ex, sprawled out bare butt naked, soaking wet laying on the floor, hair standing straight up, doing the dying cockroach.

I manage to ask if he’s ok and wait for an affirmative response before I bust out laughing (it was really tough to keep a straight face at the sight).

Oh, he did not think this was funny, but it so was!

Now, what had occurred:

Earlier in the day my son, who was about 10, had used the bathroom. One can only guess what thought process occurred but he had taken a small pair of scissors to the electrical cord on my ex’s beard trimmer while it was still plugged into the hot outlet. Good thing for the boy, the scissors had a rubber handle. Not so good for my ex.

My poor unsuspecting ex, gets out of the shower dripping wet, leaving water everywhere.

He stands in front of the sink where the exposed live wire is waiting.

He’s standing in a puddle of shower water since men dont have enough sense to dry before getting out of the shower.

He reaches for his hair brush, still dripping water and

ZAAAAPPPPPP….

220 lbs goes in the air and he slams into the wall behind him (thud) and slides to the floor shaking from the amplified electricity.

And, when he comes to, his ever so supportive then wife is standing there laughing so hard at the sight she nearly pees herself.

The moral of the story: Always dry off before getting out of the shower (us gals do) and always check for exposed wires before reaching.

Homicidal cat tries to kill sleeping man

All Stories, Priceless Stories

Oh, he looks all cute and fluffy, but dont let that fool you. Snowball was one very ornery and homicidal cat. Even at only 7 lbs, he ruled the house.

Snowball had a strong dislike for my now ex-husband, to the point that cat really did try to kill him. No lie people, this is the kinda stuff you cant make up.

We had a waterbed that had a bookcase headboard. The picture below shows Snowball on top of the headboard. On top of the headboard was an old radio alarm clock from the early 80’s, so it was huge and heavy. There was also a small lamp and a few other little things. wpid-wp-1402235353897.jpeg

One night I was woken up by a noise, to realize the very heavy and very hard alarm clock was just falling off the top of the headboard directly over my now ex’s head. Since I still liked him at the time I reached out real quick to grab it. It was heavy enough it really would have done some serious damage to a person’s head. I put the clock back, not thinking the cat was trying to kill him and I went back to sleep.

The very next night, I was awoken in the same manner. Just barely catching the clock before it landed on my ex’s head. I noticed this time Snowball sitting very proper with his fluffy tail wrapped around his legs peering over the top to watch as the clock feel. I put the clock back still not thinking that cat was actually trying to kill the ex.

It was the third night that I thought maybe the cat was up to something, as the clock came flying off the headboard again.

So I figured I would solve this by moving the lamp and the to my side of the headboard.

Well dont you know, the next nite I am awaken by a scooting noise. I finally realize what the noise was as I reached out to catch the clock as it was being dropped on my ex’s head. I no sooner had a hold of the clock and I heard the noise again. I barely had time to adjust so I could catch the lamp that was being dropped on my ex’s head.

Well, now, that is one smart and determined cat. He pushed each item back to my ex’s side of the headboard before dropping them off the edge.

On nights my ex wasnt home. The cat left everything alone, but if my ex was home…

My ex usually slept through all of this, but one night I was a little slow catching the clock (yes, this went on for a few weeks.) My hand covered the sharp corner, so all he felt was the back of my hand hitting his head.

At that point, I decided to tell him the cat was trying to kill him and pointed up to Snowball who was sitting there watching. I swear he was smiling.

Needless to say, my ex thought I had lost my mind. Ok, I know I’m slightly off center, but really, why the hell else would I be laying in bed during the middle of the night holding the damn alarm clock and lamp?

Well, since he didnt believe I put the clock and lamp back and laid back down. Thinking to myself, let him catch the clock… in the forehead.

Well, I didnt have to wait but for a few minutes here comes the clock again. I grab it, but it still sorta collides with my ex’s head. OK, I wasnt going to grab the clock, but then I thought… Just how well is this going to go over with the cops, judge, jury, etc… I just dont think anyone was going to believe he had a clock sticking outta his forehead because the cat wanted him dead. I dont think they would have believed me, but it was totally true!!!!

My ex sits bolt right up in bed yelling the cat’s trying to kill him.

Unable to contain my sarcasm I reuse his words implying he’s loco as no cat would be smart enough to pull that off. He told me the cat has to go. Yeah, that was gonna happen. The ex was smart enough to not make me choose him or the cat. He would have lost.

So we got a new bed, one without a headboard. And we got a nightstand for the clock and lamp. Dont ya know, the clock never got pushed off again.

Snowball was a little spitfire of a cat who I miss dearly. Several years after his failed attempts to kill a sleeping man, he disappeared. His brother, Sock Kitty, cried for him every night for months. While they are no longer with me, they gave me some if the best memories with their crazy antics. I hope they are having fun in kitty heaven.